HARD YARDS 5
YEW
Well, HARD YARDS 5 has come and gone just like that, and I can tell you it was a big one! Let’s talk a little BMX and start with some of the heavy-hitting names at this event.
First up, Sammy Grace. If you have never heard of or seen this kid before, Google him. He’s off his fucking head. Spinning this, flipping that, stalling this, then spinning that. I know it’s a lot to take in. You should try documenting it all! If I blink, I’ll miss something chill from him, like a 900 or something.
Chris James. Now, you know the moon? Well, he was jumping up on that like nine times and cavemaning and all that jazz. He’s another one who’s off his head. Actually, all these guys are off their heads.
My personal favourite, Pete Mayer. I think he’s my age (38), could be wrong, and that motherfucker slams and gets back up. I’m talking slams that would just end a normal person’s life, honestly. He’s not normal. He’s a Terminator.
Now I have to swear here so you can feel the emotion of what this fucker is doing on a bike. He’s up on the top ropes, then jumps to the other rope. WAIT! He’s up on the big cage. Fucking jumps! No table in sight, no springs, no fucking nothing, and body slams from a fucking three-quarter-storey building. I’ll get measurements next year. So he jumped off fucking Centrepoint Tower to flat, landed on his stomach, got up, and then flip-turned down the spine.
FUCK MAN.
I’m getting too emotional. Next player.
Let’s talk about Pat Fallico. Things were looking good for him out there. I filmed some sort of crazy truck nose-jam thing that was mahd. Then he just chucked his bike at me. My reflexes were so on point. The camera went up in the air and was protected, but my shins...
My shin is open.
Big fucking dramas.
No one even knew because I’m such a professional, and if I go to the medic tent, I might miss a 1080 or something, so I pushed on.
After the event, I did the thing I shouldn’t have done and looked at it. It was the size of the first jump at X Games. You know what I’m saying? Like a fucking massive double, just on my shin. I’m not even riding. I’m there filming, just trying to do my job, and I cop the shinner. It was such a buzzkill, followed by having to fill out an endless amount of paperwork to claim workers comp. Which actually doesn’t sound too bad. I’m looking at a minimum of 75k for the damages, which will come in handy for Boyd’s wedding next month.
Ben Hoskins. That motherfucker took off his shirt and aired over Pluto. He went past all the planets. We couldn’t set up microphones or cameras up there or anything for the air, but apparently later on he told us he ran into Neil Armstrong.
Quinny did one of those front-flip flair things that look sick.
Mahd. All the buzzwords.
Millar. Now, when Millar has the crowd behind him, he’ll do it all. “Fill it with Millar!” He did all the lip tricks. Nose picks, peg smashes, whip noses. It was BMX Games 2006 all over again.
Ohhhh, shout-out to Jye. Appreciate the gifts, and I’m hyped you landed that crazy upside-down spin thing. I’m actually not allowed to talk too much about the movie we’re making, but he did the sick stuff.
You know what? I’ve missed a lot, but that’s why, when the movie drops, you’ll need to watch it. There’s heaps of crap to crap on about here. Horny Seany. Heaps of Mahd Dawgs.
Before I go, shout-out to Meezy. He was on one and doing unreal tricks into the fire pit. I genuinely thought he was going to fall in the fire, but I had a hold of him about 85% of the time. Wait, and Niki Buckard, thanks for the two sweet drinks because I don’t like beer.
Churr.